Sometimes when I'm asleep, I dream up the craziest book ideas you've ever heard of, but this one wasn't so bad. Let me know what you think :)
Monday, August 21, 2017
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
She & He: The Worst Date Ever
She settled in the seat at the dining room table, watching her Mom consume the dinner of salmon patties and sauteed vegetables she had just prepared, resulting in the condo they shared smelling like flatulence and dog meat. She sighed, propping her chin in her hands. Mom looked up at her, worry creasing her forehead.
"What's wrong? Aren't you excited to be going out on a date with your husband?"
The truth was, She had been looking forward to spending some time with him - just the two of them, but they'd just gotten into yet another fight, leaving things so tense and awkward that She didn't even want to be in the bedroom with him while He was getting ready.
Their fights had become more and more frequent since they moved into her Mom's condo nearly seven months ago to cut back on their bills in order to pay off the large amount of debt they were in. Debt they were in mostly because of him, though She worked really hard to not throw that fact in his face. She could tell He was going stir-crazy, but what else could they do? If they moved out, there was no way they'd ever be free of their endless bills.
"Yeah, I'm just tired, I guess," She mumbled, realizing her Mom was waiting for an answer.
Before her Mom could reply, He walked out of the bedroom they shared, closing the door firmly behind him.
"Are you ready?" He asked. Without waiting for an answer, He proceeded to the front door, then plopped on the couch to put on his shoes.
"Bye Mom; we'll see you later." She pulled herself up from the table slowly, though all She wanted to do was retreat to her room and curl up under the covers with a good book.
The drive to the restaurant was quiet. He drove, at her request, so one of his hands was occupied with the steering wheel while the other was firmly clamped around his vape stick, leaving no hand to hold hers. She wondered if it was on purpose.
There had been so many times since they got married when She seriously considered separating from him or tried to visualize what it would be like to divorce him. She recalled a conversation She'd had with two of her married friends the day before. They had just left the tea room they'd eaten lunch in when their conversation turned toward their husbands as they headed to the parking lot.
"You know, I always wondered why my mom never remarried after she got divorced," She had ruminated to her friends, "but now I understand. Marriage is a lot of work, and it can really get lonely at times. Sometimes, I'm not even sure the pros outweigh the cons. If something happened to my husband, I would probably never remarry." She felt scandalous and guilty for saying so, but her two friends echoed her sentiments almost immediately.
She sighed. She'd read numerous romance novels (Christian and secular) in her lifetime, and they all glorified the relationship between a man and a woman. The truth was, She was now able to understand the compulsion in women to discard the male species altogether and pursue relationships with other women. Women who would understand on a deep level what their partner was talking about. Women who had much in common.
The common interests and similarities She'd thought they shared had shrunk to a paltry handful. Their love of music, their love of Christ - did He even love Christ, though? Or was his church attendance and ministry involvement simply a habitual obligation he'd participated in since childhood?
She could still remember her Best Friend and maid of honor offering what no one else had right before their wedding day - "If you decide you don't want to marry him, it's not too late. I will be waiting with a getaway car and no questions asked." Of course, She had scoffed at the offer and assured her Best Friend that it wouldn't be necessary. She was so sure he was "The One" - where had that certainty gone?
They arrived at the restaurant, if you could call it that. It didn't have a drive-through, but it didn't have a waitress or waiter waiting to take your order, so it was an in-between kind of place. They both stood in line to place their order. No words were exchanged between the two of them. She tried to think of things to say, but She worried about what his responses would be, and She didn't want his sour mood to be directed at her. Even though She felt like it already was.
By the time they sat down with their food, She was ready to leave. "How was work today?" She tried to act like they hadn't just co-existed in a bubble of silence for the past 30 minutes.
"Long." His usual short answer.
"How many cars did you work on?" She didn't really care about the answer. She just wanted to get him talking. But He could tell that She wasn't really interested, so He down-played his interest as well.
"One."
"The whole time you were there?"
"Yeah. I had a lot to catch up on."
And that was that. They sat chewing and looking around at everyone but each other. He started to do something on his phone, and She wished, once again, that smart phones had never been invented. Or smart TV's. What would He do if, tonight, she unplugged their widescreen TV and removed it from their bedroom? Would He actually talk to her until they both fell asleep? Would He shower her with kisses and entreat her to do things with him that married couples are supposed to do?
He put his phone down, looking up, and She held her breath, hoping He would say something. He didn't.
"How's your food?" That was her, attempting conversation from a different angle.
"Cold." Of course it would be - what else could She expect him to say?
She picked at her salad, wishing She had gotten something more fattening. She'd dropped 40 pounds in the last 6 months, and at first, He'd paid more attention to her body and increased his endearments, but that had slowed to almost a crawl. He'd become self-involved again.
She sighed. She knew their marriage wasn't built on Christ, and that's where all their problems stemmed from. She knew that She could only control her actions and her thoughts and her words. The problem was, She was a habitual sinner. She was lazy. She was sensitive. She wanted it to be easy - their marriage. She wanted him to bring her flowers without her having to ask. She wanted him to ravish her when He walked through the door after a long day of work. She wanted to go to the movies, sit in the back, and make out like a gross love-struck teen couple. She wanted romance. She wanted a living, breathing relationship, not a stuffy vacuum of one-word conversations.
Could she ever have children with this man? Would time bring intimacy or more distance? Was He really the one God made for her, and she just wasn't being a good steward of the blessing? Or did God have another in mind, and was She now living in God's permissible Will because of her impatience in waiting?
So many questions, and She was so far from knowing any answers. Her appetite was gone. She looked at his plate. He was done eating as well.
"You ready to go?" She asked.
"Whenever you are."
She stood, walked her tray to the garbage can by the door. He went to refill his soda in the back. When they were done, they walked to the car in silence. He finally reached for her hand, but it was hard for her to smile at him when his eyes searched hers. She knew He would ask questions She didn't want to answer if She didn't smile.
They finally arrived back at the condo. He went to get something out of his car, and She walked in to find her Mom doing a crossword puzzle in her usual spot on the couch.
"How was your date?" she asked.
"Honestly, it was probably the worst date ever."
Her Mom frowned, and She could tell that she was trying to think of some words to make it better.
"I'm tired though, so I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow."
She brushed her teeth, put on her pajamas, and climbed in bed. He returned from his car, changed clothes, and immediately turned on the TV to watch his favorite show - his nightly ritual. She rolled over to him, putting her head on his chest and intertwining their legs for a minute. Then, when she got hot, She rolled away from him, curling into a loose ball - her nightly ritual. Then, she turned out the light and went to sleep.
"What's wrong? Aren't you excited to be going out on a date with your husband?"
The truth was, She had been looking forward to spending some time with him - just the two of them, but they'd just gotten into yet another fight, leaving things so tense and awkward that She didn't even want to be in the bedroom with him while He was getting ready.
Their fights had become more and more frequent since they moved into her Mom's condo nearly seven months ago to cut back on their bills in order to pay off the large amount of debt they were in. Debt they were in mostly because of him, though She worked really hard to not throw that fact in his face. She could tell He was going stir-crazy, but what else could they do? If they moved out, there was no way they'd ever be free of their endless bills.
"Yeah, I'm just tired, I guess," She mumbled, realizing her Mom was waiting for an answer.
Before her Mom could reply, He walked out of the bedroom they shared, closing the door firmly behind him.
"Are you ready?" He asked. Without waiting for an answer, He proceeded to the front door, then plopped on the couch to put on his shoes.
"Bye Mom; we'll see you later." She pulled herself up from the table slowly, though all She wanted to do was retreat to her room and curl up under the covers with a good book.
The drive to the restaurant was quiet. He drove, at her request, so one of his hands was occupied with the steering wheel while the other was firmly clamped around his vape stick, leaving no hand to hold hers. She wondered if it was on purpose.
There had been so many times since they got married when She seriously considered separating from him or tried to visualize what it would be like to divorce him. She recalled a conversation She'd had with two of her married friends the day before. They had just left the tea room they'd eaten lunch in when their conversation turned toward their husbands as they headed to the parking lot.
"You know, I always wondered why my mom never remarried after she got divorced," She had ruminated to her friends, "but now I understand. Marriage is a lot of work, and it can really get lonely at times. Sometimes, I'm not even sure the pros outweigh the cons. If something happened to my husband, I would probably never remarry." She felt scandalous and guilty for saying so, but her two friends echoed her sentiments almost immediately.
She sighed. She'd read numerous romance novels (Christian and secular) in her lifetime, and they all glorified the relationship between a man and a woman. The truth was, She was now able to understand the compulsion in women to discard the male species altogether and pursue relationships with other women. Women who would understand on a deep level what their partner was talking about. Women who had much in common.
The common interests and similarities She'd thought they shared had shrunk to a paltry handful. Their love of music, their love of Christ - did He even love Christ, though? Or was his church attendance and ministry involvement simply a habitual obligation he'd participated in since childhood?
She could still remember her Best Friend and maid of honor offering what no one else had right before their wedding day - "If you decide you don't want to marry him, it's not too late. I will be waiting with a getaway car and no questions asked." Of course, She had scoffed at the offer and assured her Best Friend that it wouldn't be necessary. She was so sure he was "The One" - where had that certainty gone?
They arrived at the restaurant, if you could call it that. It didn't have a drive-through, but it didn't have a waitress or waiter waiting to take your order, so it was an in-between kind of place. They both stood in line to place their order. No words were exchanged between the two of them. She tried to think of things to say, but She worried about what his responses would be, and She didn't want his sour mood to be directed at her. Even though She felt like it already was.
By the time they sat down with their food, She was ready to leave. "How was work today?" She tried to act like they hadn't just co-existed in a bubble of silence for the past 30 minutes.
"Long." His usual short answer.
"How many cars did you work on?" She didn't really care about the answer. She just wanted to get him talking. But He could tell that She wasn't really interested, so He down-played his interest as well.
"One."
"The whole time you were there?"
"Yeah. I had a lot to catch up on."
And that was that. They sat chewing and looking around at everyone but each other. He started to do something on his phone, and She wished, once again, that smart phones had never been invented. Or smart TV's. What would He do if, tonight, she unplugged their widescreen TV and removed it from their bedroom? Would He actually talk to her until they both fell asleep? Would He shower her with kisses and entreat her to do things with him that married couples are supposed to do?
He put his phone down, looking up, and She held her breath, hoping He would say something. He didn't.
"How's your food?" That was her, attempting conversation from a different angle.
"Cold." Of course it would be - what else could She expect him to say?
She picked at her salad, wishing She had gotten something more fattening. She'd dropped 40 pounds in the last 6 months, and at first, He'd paid more attention to her body and increased his endearments, but that had slowed to almost a crawl. He'd become self-involved again.
She sighed. She knew their marriage wasn't built on Christ, and that's where all their problems stemmed from. She knew that She could only control her actions and her thoughts and her words. The problem was, She was a habitual sinner. She was lazy. She was sensitive. She wanted it to be easy - their marriage. She wanted him to bring her flowers without her having to ask. She wanted him to ravish her when He walked through the door after a long day of work. She wanted to go to the movies, sit in the back, and make out like a gross love-struck teen couple. She wanted romance. She wanted a living, breathing relationship, not a stuffy vacuum of one-word conversations.
Could she ever have children with this man? Would time bring intimacy or more distance? Was He really the one God made for her, and she just wasn't being a good steward of the blessing? Or did God have another in mind, and was She now living in God's permissible Will because of her impatience in waiting?
So many questions, and She was so far from knowing any answers. Her appetite was gone. She looked at his plate. He was done eating as well.
"You ready to go?" She asked.
"Whenever you are."
She stood, walked her tray to the garbage can by the door. He went to refill his soda in the back. When they were done, they walked to the car in silence. He finally reached for her hand, but it was hard for her to smile at him when his eyes searched hers. She knew He would ask questions She didn't want to answer if She didn't smile.
They finally arrived back at the condo. He went to get something out of his car, and She walked in to find her Mom doing a crossword puzzle in her usual spot on the couch.
"How was your date?" she asked.
"Honestly, it was probably the worst date ever."
Her Mom frowned, and She could tell that she was trying to think of some words to make it better.
"I'm tired though, so I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow."
She brushed her teeth, put on her pajamas, and climbed in bed. He returned from his car, changed clothes, and immediately turned on the TV to watch his favorite show - his nightly ritual. She rolled over to him, putting her head on his chest and intertwining their legs for a minute. Then, when she got hot, She rolled away from him, curling into a loose ball - her nightly ritual. Then, she turned out the light and went to sleep.
Friday, November 4, 2016
Notes Between Simba & Geezer (Circa 2003)
Geezer and Simba had Spanish together in 2003, and it solidified their friendship. To follow are some notes written between the two of them:
S: Turn in your Bible to Colossians 3:1-17
G: That was really encouraging :)
S: I know; I was trying to find a verse that the Pastor had read on Sun. (like chpt. 2 or something), and I saw this...you don't know how much I needed this then - and still do. I couldn't pick a fave verse if I tried. I do like 15-17 though :)
G: LOL. I know how that goes. Now, turn you Bible to Ephesians 3:14-21. My two faves are 18 & 19. 19 being my life verse. (hint "Eph319Agape" lol
S: Amen! Now THAT'S encouraging! :)
G: Read 1 Corinthians 9:19-24; Philippians 1:9-11; 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.
S: Turn in your Bible to Colossians 3:1-17
G: That was really encouraging :)
S: I know; I was trying to find a verse that the Pastor had read on Sun. (like chpt. 2 or something), and I saw this...you don't know how much I needed this then - and still do. I couldn't pick a fave verse if I tried. I do like 15-17 though :)
G: LOL. I know how that goes. Now, turn you Bible to Ephesians 3:14-21. My two faves are 18 & 19. 19 being my life verse. (hint "Eph319Agape" lol
S: Amen! Now THAT'S encouraging! :)
G: Read 1 Corinthians 9:19-24; Philippians 1:9-11; 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.
Notes Between RR & Me (Circa 2005)
My friend RR and I had English together in 11th Grade. To follow are a series of notes we wrote to each other. With the amount of notes I found, I'm surprised we learned anything in that class. Seriously. lol
Me: Talk to me (actually, write ;)
RR; About what?
Me: About what's going on with you and stuff...or...just anything.
RR: It just really bugs me how everyone seems to have a boyfriend. Or potential b/f. I don't know why...but I really want a boyfriend :( :) Oh...and I don't feel good. My stomach REALLY HURTS!!!
Me: I'm sorry - I want to say I don't have a potential b/f, but I know you'll just say, "What about G & Joe Bob?" Well, G is a "jerk," b/c he doesn't ever talk to me. And to Joe Bob, I'm just somebody he wants to know better as a friend; I can tell that he doesn't like me as more than that. Plus, I get the leftovers from Carla & Emily. But whatever. lol Sorry - I'm not doing a very good job at cheering you up, am I? What are you doing Saturday?
RR: I don't know. Unless K calls me :) Doubt it :(
Me: Well, you know, wanna do something? (if, you know, you want to :)
RR: Well, you know, I might have plans...
Me: Fine, I'll just do something with Joe Bob :/ Do you think I'm leading him on?
RR: No. You're not leading him on.
Me: Well, I feel like I am. Or maybe I feel guilty, because I haven't told G about J.B.
RR: He doesn't need to know until something happens w/ you and J.B. I want to know how K feels about me. Do you think I should talk to his best friend about it?
Me: What?! You mean you haven't yet?! RR!!
RR: No. I don't want him to know how I feel about him...but I want to know how he feels about me... :(
Me: Well do you think his friend would tell him? How close are you as friends?
RR: I feel like I can talk to him about anything! (except maybe for his best friend)
Me: Why not?
RR: I don't know! Cuz it's K...
Me: ...and? RR, how much do you like this kid?
RR: This much!
Me: That means noting to me - J.B. said he liked me that much. YOU WOULD!!
RR: I KNOW!
****
Me: So yeah, I'm going to have a "talk" with G today.
RR: About what?
Me: About us possibly not pursuing our relationship any further than just being friends :(
RR: Good. What made you come to that conclusion?
Me: Many things. A) He's at the age now where he's looking for a future wife, and he'd have to wait about 6 years for me. That's one among many.
RR: Yeah...so...Rob has really small hands, and you know what that means! Anyway, good decision, I agree. Are you still gonna meet him?
Me: I don't know, because I think that if I meet him, it might encourage us both in the wrong direction again.
RR: Oh, ok, sounds good...so "My Boyfriend's Back"
Me: Or, you know, mine's never coming... ;) lol
RR: I'm in that boat with you :)
Me: Hey, but flirting's fun, and we don't need a steady man at this age, ya know?
RR: But I want one! And when the guy you want to flirt with you does, and then his ex-gf gets made, and so he'll be in a bad mood this afternoon, instead of flirting with you; not a fun situation :( :/ :)
Me: So pick another guy to flirt with :) (man, am I being a shallow dingbat today or what? :(
RR: I can't just pick another guy, he has to pick me...who do you think should be my boyfriend?
Me: Why don't I give you G?
RR: I don't want G...if there was one person in this room who could be my b/f, who would it be?
Me: Brett
RR: Awww...I think he's interested in either Katie Beth or Lori :( Sad day, guess again. Let me rephrase that - who (in this room) do you think would want to be my b/f?
Me: Umm...Garrett?
RR: Maybe.
Me: Alex?! I don't know! What are you trying to say you mad, crazy fool?!
RR: Start naming some people who LIKE me!!! I want a b/f! Argh! I don't like either of them, but Alex does have a very nice car...but he's not a Christian. :( Sad day. How about the same question but doesn't have to be in this room. How about the band/chorus building people.
Me: Chorus - A (mostly likely); Band - A (haha!)
RR: Ok...let's try same question band people...
Me: I don't like this game...no LOSERBOY if that's what you're trying to get at.
RR: Then find me someone who is better :/
Me: God knows your wants, RR, but He provides for Your needs...if it's His will for You to get a b/f then He'll get you one...until then, pray, wait, and...have fun being 16! (or, you know, almost 16 ;)
RR: Easier said than done, but I'll try.
***
Me: What's your problem?
RR: I have a predicament.
Me: As do I. This stinks. Actually, I have two :(
RR: Well, it involves two other people besides myself. It has to do w/ two people we see almost every morning in Mr. Theilen's class.
Me: Oh...how does this involve you? Can I call you at about 3:30? That's what time I get home.
RR: I'm busy until prob about 4...call me then.
Me: Ok I will! Man, I wish I could talk to you about this in person though, because you're cooler in person.
RR: I know!
***
Me: So while I was walking to class today...(u want the funny story or what?) So today while I was walking to class...I saw the naughty news guy, and he was just looking our the window of a class...quite random was it. Garrett is Hilarious!!
RR: Was that what you had to tell me? Sucky story :( but yes, random and funny :) and yes, he is very funny.
Me: Of course it's not the story...jeez...what kind of LOSER would I be if THAT was the story?
RR: I don't know...tell me the story please.
Me: Uh huh...well, ya see - so after lunch I walked with Peter, Andrew, and J.W. to class; then Peter and Andrew left and it was just J.W. and me...
RR: Oh yeah? And? I walked with loser boy today and...ok bye!
***
RR; Hey! What are you going to do right now? I'm going to start on vocab so I can go to sleep early tonight :)
Me: Haha I'm gonna finish my journal and start on my vocab. :) I'm thirsty...I like a boy! teeheehee!
RR: Haha...umm, I don't know what's up with loser boy, but it needs to stop right now...and Nick is acting weird too. Adrian almost killed me last night...that boy is crazy :)
Me: Nice lol I think loser boy's sad and lonely and trying to hide it. I think he misses how things were and doesn't quite know how to adjust to the new situation...so he's not trying to at all. And I don't know about Nick, and yes, Adrian is crazy. haha...yes he is ;)
RR: Yes indeed. You are probably right. I talked to loser boy about the Matt thing. And after about an hour of arguing, we came to the conclusion that what loser boy doesn't know won't hurt him. So that I should keep doing what I'm doing with Matt but not tell loser boy...and I think I have given up hope on Nick. He doesn't seem to care, and I don't like being let down, so I am going to try not to care from here on out...yes?...no?
Me: Nick seems like a sweet enough guy, but if he's not sweet on you, then he's not worth it. You're a sweet heart and a half, and any guy would be durn lucky to have a girl like you!!! Oh, and I talked to loser boy about Adrian and he said he's semi-jealous...do you think he's maybe jealous of you & Matt? As being friends?
RR: Yes. Loser boy has told me that he is jealous of me and Matt...but that he doesn't see how I can be friends with the enemy. He feels that by being friendly with Matt, I am stabbing him in the back. Me: Yup, so I've heard. I'm writing in my journal about A-bear :)
***
Me: Why do guys have to be so cute?
RR: I don't know...What made you think of that?
Me: Well, J.W. kid is soooo hott! And btw, I don't like Adam.
RR: Oh, ok...good. So what's up?
Me: Haha! You know, I feel like I'm almost desecrating this book by underlining stuff, but I underline stuff in my Bible all the time and don't...isn't that super weird? God bless you!
RR; Yup. You too. Notes are fun...elipses...elipses...ooh - aah! I'm a dork.
Me: Ya ya are...GREEK TRAGEDY...Garrett's so fun!
RR: I know!
Me: Do you know...(meant to write "now" there...it's now w/ a silent "k" ;)
RR: So, my throat hurts really bad...
Me: So do my eyes...haha
RR: Oh, ok. I want to go home. I really, really REALLY want a b/f :( :(
Me: Me too.
RR: We should do something about it...
Me: Nope. I'm okay. Chocolate tastes better when it's given to you than when you buy it yourself.
RR: Hmm...I don't know. Church is good!
Me: Yeah it is. You need to seriously keep inviting "him" to yours :)
RR: Yeah, except for mine sucks!
Me: Shoot girl, no it don't. After all, Randall goes there.
RR: For church, cuz his parents make him. He goes to youth group at First Pres.
Me: Oh man, he only goes b/c his parents force him to? That's sad :(
RR: It's not that he doesn't want to go to church, he doesn't like our church. I don't really like it either, but I feel like I can't abandon it. He wants to go to church, so he goes to First Pres. So, it's all good!
Me: Ok, w/e you say chick :) You know what? I love Jesus like nobody's business! :)
Me: Talk to me (actually, write ;)
RR; About what?
Me: About what's going on with you and stuff...or...just anything.
RR: It just really bugs me how everyone seems to have a boyfriend. Or potential b/f. I don't know why...but I really want a boyfriend :( :) Oh...and I don't feel good. My stomach REALLY HURTS!!!
Me: I'm sorry - I want to say I don't have a potential b/f, but I know you'll just say, "What about G & Joe Bob?" Well, G is a "jerk," b/c he doesn't ever talk to me. And to Joe Bob, I'm just somebody he wants to know better as a friend; I can tell that he doesn't like me as more than that. Plus, I get the leftovers from Carla & Emily. But whatever. lol Sorry - I'm not doing a very good job at cheering you up, am I? What are you doing Saturday?
RR: I don't know. Unless K calls me :) Doubt it :(
Me: Well, you know, wanna do something? (if, you know, you want to :)
RR: Well, you know, I might have plans...
Me: Fine, I'll just do something with Joe Bob :/ Do you think I'm leading him on?
RR: No. You're not leading him on.
Me: Well, I feel like I am. Or maybe I feel guilty, because I haven't told G about J.B.
RR: He doesn't need to know until something happens w/ you and J.B. I want to know how K feels about me. Do you think I should talk to his best friend about it?
Me: What?! You mean you haven't yet?! RR!!
RR: No. I don't want him to know how I feel about him...but I want to know how he feels about me... :(
Me: Well do you think his friend would tell him? How close are you as friends?
RR: I feel like I can talk to him about anything! (except maybe for his best friend)
Me: Why not?
RR: I don't know! Cuz it's K...
Me: ...and? RR, how much do you like this kid?
RR: This much!
Me: That means noting to me - J.B. said he liked me that much. YOU WOULD!!
RR: I KNOW!
****
Me: So yeah, I'm going to have a "talk" with G today.
RR: About what?
Me: About us possibly not pursuing our relationship any further than just being friends :(
RR: Good. What made you come to that conclusion?
Me: Many things. A) He's at the age now where he's looking for a future wife, and he'd have to wait about 6 years for me. That's one among many.
RR: Yeah...so...Rob has really small hands, and you know what that means! Anyway, good decision, I agree. Are you still gonna meet him?
Me: I don't know, because I think that if I meet him, it might encourage us both in the wrong direction again.
RR: Oh, ok, sounds good...so "My Boyfriend's Back"
Me: Or, you know, mine's never coming... ;) lol
RR: I'm in that boat with you :)
Me: Hey, but flirting's fun, and we don't need a steady man at this age, ya know?
RR: But I want one! And when the guy you want to flirt with you does, and then his ex-gf gets made, and so he'll be in a bad mood this afternoon, instead of flirting with you; not a fun situation :( :/ :)
Me: So pick another guy to flirt with :) (man, am I being a shallow dingbat today or what? :(
RR: I can't just pick another guy, he has to pick me...who do you think should be my boyfriend?
Me: Why don't I give you G?
RR: I don't want G...if there was one person in this room who could be my b/f, who would it be?
Me: Brett
RR: Awww...I think he's interested in either Katie Beth or Lori :( Sad day, guess again. Let me rephrase that - who (in this room) do you think would want to be my b/f?
Me: Umm...Garrett?
RR: Maybe.
Me: Alex?! I don't know! What are you trying to say you mad, crazy fool?!
RR: Start naming some people who LIKE me!!! I want a b/f! Argh! I don't like either of them, but Alex does have a very nice car...but he's not a Christian. :( Sad day. How about the same question but doesn't have to be in this room. How about the band/chorus building people.
Me: Chorus - A (mostly likely); Band - A (haha!)
RR: Ok...let's try same question band people...
Me: I don't like this game...no LOSERBOY if that's what you're trying to get at.
RR: Then find me someone who is better :/
Me: God knows your wants, RR, but He provides for Your needs...if it's His will for You to get a b/f then He'll get you one...until then, pray, wait, and...have fun being 16! (or, you know, almost 16 ;)
RR: Easier said than done, but I'll try.
***
Me: What's your problem?
RR: I have a predicament.
Me: As do I. This stinks. Actually, I have two :(
RR: Well, it involves two other people besides myself. It has to do w/ two people we see almost every morning in Mr. Theilen's class.
Me: Oh...how does this involve you? Can I call you at about 3:30? That's what time I get home.
RR: I'm busy until prob about 4...call me then.
Me: Ok I will! Man, I wish I could talk to you about this in person though, because you're cooler in person.
RR: I know!
***
Me: So while I was walking to class today...(u want the funny story or what?) So today while I was walking to class...I saw the naughty news guy, and he was just looking our the window of a class...quite random was it. Garrett is Hilarious!!
RR: Was that what you had to tell me? Sucky story :( but yes, random and funny :) and yes, he is very funny.
Me: Of course it's not the story...jeez...what kind of LOSER would I be if THAT was the story?
RR: I don't know...tell me the story please.
Me: Uh huh...well, ya see - so after lunch I walked with Peter, Andrew, and J.W. to class; then Peter and Andrew left and it was just J.W. and me...
RR: Oh yeah? And? I walked with loser boy today and...ok bye!
***
RR; Hey! What are you going to do right now? I'm going to start on vocab so I can go to sleep early tonight :)
Me: Haha I'm gonna finish my journal and start on my vocab. :) I'm thirsty...I like a boy! teeheehee!
RR: Haha...umm, I don't know what's up with loser boy, but it needs to stop right now...and Nick is acting weird too. Adrian almost killed me last night...that boy is crazy :)
Me: Nice lol I think loser boy's sad and lonely and trying to hide it. I think he misses how things were and doesn't quite know how to adjust to the new situation...so he's not trying to at all. And I don't know about Nick, and yes, Adrian is crazy. haha...yes he is ;)
RR: Yes indeed. You are probably right. I talked to loser boy about the Matt thing. And after about an hour of arguing, we came to the conclusion that what loser boy doesn't know won't hurt him. So that I should keep doing what I'm doing with Matt but not tell loser boy...and I think I have given up hope on Nick. He doesn't seem to care, and I don't like being let down, so I am going to try not to care from here on out...yes?...no?
Me: Nick seems like a sweet enough guy, but if he's not sweet on you, then he's not worth it. You're a sweet heart and a half, and any guy would be durn lucky to have a girl like you!!! Oh, and I talked to loser boy about Adrian and he said he's semi-jealous...do you think he's maybe jealous of you & Matt? As being friends?
RR: Yes. Loser boy has told me that he is jealous of me and Matt...but that he doesn't see how I can be friends with the enemy. He feels that by being friendly with Matt, I am stabbing him in the back. Me: Yup, so I've heard. I'm writing in my journal about A-bear :)
***
Me: Why do guys have to be so cute?
RR: I don't know...What made you think of that?
Me: Well, J.W. kid is soooo hott! And btw, I don't like Adam.
RR: Oh, ok...good. So what's up?
Me: Haha! You know, I feel like I'm almost desecrating this book by underlining stuff, but I underline stuff in my Bible all the time and don't...isn't that super weird? God bless you!
RR; Yup. You too. Notes are fun...elipses...elipses...ooh - aah! I'm a dork.
Me: Ya ya are...GREEK TRAGEDY...Garrett's so fun!
RR: I know!
Me: Do you know...(meant to write "now" there...it's now w/ a silent "k" ;)
RR: So, my throat hurts really bad...
Me: So do my eyes...haha
RR: Oh, ok. I want to go home. I really, really REALLY want a b/f :( :(
Me: Me too.
RR: We should do something about it...
Me: Nope. I'm okay. Chocolate tastes better when it's given to you than when you buy it yourself.
RR: Hmm...I don't know. Church is good!
Me: Yeah it is. You need to seriously keep inviting "him" to yours :)
RR: Yeah, except for mine sucks!
Me: Shoot girl, no it don't. After all, Randall goes there.
RR: For church, cuz his parents make him. He goes to youth group at First Pres.
Me: Oh man, he only goes b/c his parents force him to? That's sad :(
RR: It's not that he doesn't want to go to church, he doesn't like our church. I don't really like it either, but I feel like I can't abandon it. He wants to go to church, so he goes to First Pres. So, it's all good!
Me: Ok, w/e you say chick :) You know what? I love Jesus like nobody's business! :)
Letter to God (5.20.2004)
My dearest and most darling love,
I'm feeling somewhat confused right now, and I have a whole hour to tell you about it! I haven't talked to you in so long and I'm so sorry. My mission's trip stuff needs to be finished and I still have 15 verses to memorize and pass before I can leave! Lord, help me to get all these things done, and please do them with me.
Anyway, so about my confusion. My relationships are all willy-nilly right now. In first place (guy-wise) is Evan, then Grant, then Peter (and don't forget how I'm disrespecting Will). My roller coaster of emotions for them is going crazy and I don't know what to do. Please be with me Lord, and may Your will be done in my life. I know one day I will be hurt by love, and one day I will be immeasurably blessed by it...please just help me to remember that, and help me to grow more in You and with You until I even attempt to look at a member of the opposite sex...
And that's another thing - the way I look at/view guys. I'm basically lusting after their flesh and disrespecting them when I flirt with them or try to act in any way that's not a "friend" way to them. I know I hate it when a guy looks at me that way, so please Lord, just help me to keep my eye on the Creator, not His creations.
"Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee - prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the One I love. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."
Amen!
Also Lord, my friendships with Hannah and Tara and Kelly and Carla and Laura and Darcie and Jordan...Lord, so many times I let the world get in the way, but I don't want it to. I want my friendships to be pure and godly, and one You are a part of.
Lord, I'm crying out! Give me integrity, Lord. Help me to do what You want me to do, even when I'm alone, even when my mom's not there to yell at me, even when You're not drawn near. Don't let me be guided by emotions, but by my love for You and by my passion to see You glorified in all I do!
I love You so much!
So many times, I'm blinded by pain,
Hurt by the thorns of the world; it's insane;
I struggle, I cry, I scream out in agony,
Forgetting that Your arms are stretched out to catch me,
But You're still there,
E'en though I fight,
Though I try and run
From Your beautiful light.
My tears, they fall,
It hurts so bad,
But Your love covers more
Than all this pain that I've had...
From the world.
Days pass me by, I close my ears to You,
Gently and quietly, You speak Your words of truth;
I toss and I turn, refusing to listen,
But you hold me still, love me, and then -
You are here, even though I still fight,
Though I tried to run from Your beautiful light,
Your blood, it falls, blotting out my pain,
Because Your love covers me like a baptising rain.
I love you, Lord.
Internet Dating - A Cautionary Tale (Circa 2003)
This is a note between me and a friend during high school.
Me: Good morning beautiful! I don't think I asked you yesterday, but how was your vacation?
JR: It was good; really good. :) I was really glad to see Collin! How about you? How was yours?
Me: Well, Monday & Tuesday were spent talking to G :) and Wed.-Sat. I hung out with friends. It was awesome!
JR: Hold on now - who is G?
Me: ....a guy ;)
JR: A guy who is? That tells me nothing.
Me: Ok well, he lives in GA and I really like him and...he's so sweet! (ask KW, I'm for real!)
JR: How do you know this guy?
Me: I kind of met him...in a chat room. DON'T YELL AT ME! He's for real. I might have...written him a letter. :/
Why not? Yell at me (in the note of course), but don't ignore me. :( I didn't get mad at you a/b TEQUILA BOY.
JR: That was different, you don't know who this guy really is. It could be any weird freak from B.F.E. and anything could happen, now that he has your address.
Me: But so what? I have his address and I trust him. We've been talking ever since May and I didn't give him my address right away.
JR: That doesn't matter because every day girls die from crap like this! They think talking for awhile is enough to say you know him and then give him some hope after awhile. The next thing you know, they are in a ditch dead w/ their families and friends worried to death.
Me: So what do you think I'm going to do? Meet him somewhere alone? No; I'm not going to let myself be alone w/ him. And my friend has met his brother before and his sister used to come here, so it's not like noone knows him.
JR: Whatever. You do whatever you want. But I don't want to talk about it.
That was the end of that conversation. I did end up meeting "G" in person (he came to my sister's house for a meal one time), and it went horribly. Thankfully, he wasn't catfish-ing or creeping on me, but he was just horribly awkward. The end.
Me: Good morning beautiful! I don't think I asked you yesterday, but how was your vacation?
JR: It was good; really good. :) I was really glad to see Collin! How about you? How was yours?
Me: Well, Monday & Tuesday were spent talking to G :) and Wed.-Sat. I hung out with friends. It was awesome!
JR: Hold on now - who is G?
Me: ....a guy ;)
JR: A guy who is? That tells me nothing.
Me: Ok well, he lives in GA and I really like him and...he's so sweet! (ask KW, I'm for real!)
JR: How do you know this guy?
Me: I kind of met him...in a chat room. DON'T YELL AT ME! He's for real. I might have...written him a letter. :/
Why not? Yell at me (in the note of course), but don't ignore me. :( I didn't get mad at you a/b TEQUILA BOY.
JR: That was different, you don't know who this guy really is. It could be any weird freak from B.F.E. and anything could happen, now that he has your address.
Me: But so what? I have his address and I trust him. We've been talking ever since May and I didn't give him my address right away.
JR: That doesn't matter because every day girls die from crap like this! They think talking for awhile is enough to say you know him and then give him some hope after awhile. The next thing you know, they are in a ditch dead w/ their families and friends worried to death.
Me: So what do you think I'm going to do? Meet him somewhere alone? No; I'm not going to let myself be alone w/ him. And my friend has met his brother before and his sister used to come here, so it's not like noone knows him.
JR: Whatever. You do whatever you want. But I don't want to talk about it.
That was the end of that conversation. I did end up meeting "G" in person (he came to my sister's house for a meal one time), and it went horribly. Thankfully, he wasn't catfish-ing or creeping on me, but he was just horribly awkward. The end.
Graveyard Love Affair - Circa 2000
Her hair blew round her face,
Making a veil of gray.
She placed a single rose on the grave before her,
As a single tear rolled down her cheek.
Shrouded in the morning mist,
A drop of dew gently kissed her forehead,
Reminding her of the love that had fatally
Departed from her life so long ago.
Dead leaves fluttered beneath her feet,
A perfect and ironic representation
Of the events in her life leading up to the present.
Fingers as cold as Death himself traced
A path across the unpolished remains
Placed amidst ghostly tombstones
That were erected sorrowfully by mourning relatives
Of those who lived long ago.
As another pearl of grief seared her porcelain skin,
Like acid rain on a sunny day,
She bade her lost love farewell for the final time
On Earth, until she would see him again
On the golden streets of Heaven.
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