This is a note between me and a guy that I just found in one of my journals (not really sure what guy this was or how I felt comfortable talking to him about this topic...oh well.)
Me: So does J****** like me? Because he said he did, but I thought he was just kidding...now I'm not so sure... (Also, sidenote: in this entire note, I was writing every lowercase 'r' as a capital 'R,' which, at the time, I probably thought was cool or endearing, but as I'm reading it now, I'm finding it plain annoying.)
Him: I have no idea. If he said he likes you then he probably does. (Oh, the deductive reasoning of the male mind...) Did he ask you out?
Me: I don't know. It was really weird. He asked me if I liked baseball though. Oh well. I'm just going to think he doesn't because I've often misjudged that in the past. (Translation: You're no help in the understanding-J****** department, so this note is a complete waste of time.)
Him: Wouldn't you rather know if he likes you? (YES! That's why I wrote you this note. Duh!)
Me: No. So don't ask. Because if he really does, then our friendship will get weird and I'll get paranoid. (Because I'm not paranoid already...)
Him: That means you don't like him like he likes you. (Where did this inference come from?)
Me: I know. I just...I don't know. Am I a tease?
Him: R you teasing him? (Never really understood how changing 'are' to 'R' really saves that much time. Maybe it's just me.)
Me: Not like that kind of teasing. I don't know how to be a friend to guys. The only interaction I understand is flirting. I'm trying though, but I don't know if my attempts are coming off as friendship or flirting.
Him: If you are flirting, it's coming off as flirting. R U FLIRTING? (Never really realized how dumb this guy was until now...)
Me: No. I'm trying to be friendly. But the only interaction I've ever had with guys is flirting. (Slight exaggeration.) So I don't know if my being friendly is coming off as being flirty.
Him: If you are not flirting, then don't worry about it. R u trying to tell me something? (Wow, egotistical much?)
Me: No. I'm trying to ask if, when I talk to you or any guys, do I come off as friendly or flirty?
Him: I thought you were flirting with me.
Me: Seriously? When?
Him: I am totally kidding! (Yeah right...)
Me: I'm trying to have a serious conversation here! I need help!
Him: It's not your fault. Some guys have never had girls be nice to them and they assume that means the girl likes him. It took me a long time to figure that out.
Me: Same here. That's why I never was able to be friends with guys. I always assumed if they talked to me, then they liked me. So I would either get freaked out and ignore them or "flirt" back. (What a sad life I led...)
Him: I think I am the same way. There are some girls that I refuse to be nice to because I am scared they will take it the wrong way. I guess I label them as either girls I like or girls I don't. Does that make sense?
Me: Yes. A lot. That's why I'm scared to be nice to T**. (Wait a minute! Weren't we just talking about J******?! Where did this T** character come from?!)
Him: I think it comes natural to do that. I know it does for me. There are different groups of girls on campus.
1) No chance at all (from me)
2) Could be dating material
3) Definitely dating material
4) Could be/definitely dating material but not sure if feeling is mutual
5) Just friends - no possibility of dating but different than #1
Me: That's a good system. (I know for a fact this note was NOT written to a guy I was interested in, because if I was, at this point I would ask him which category I fit into. But I didn't. So there.) I think, on some level, I have those same categories. The problem is how to deal with each one. Do you treat them differently from each other? Or try and treat them all the same?
Him: I definitely treat #1 different than the rest. #1's get ZERO attention. (Harsh, dude.) I don't want to be rude, but I still know they will get the wrong impression if I don't. It's not my fault that they don't know how to be friends. It sounds weird, but I think I just sit back and let the others fall into place. So I treat the rest the same until I find one that I want to ask out. P.S. That still hasn't happened! Except for maybe one person...but that has happened before and they always turn out to be something else.
Me: Yes. It's really hard to do that. That's happened to me a couple of times. I still haven't been able to find someone to totally open up to guy-wise. So I keep the same amount of layers around my heart around all guys.
Him: Me too!
Me: Seriously? I thought that was just me! (What?! I actually have something in common with a guy? I really think this revelation blew my mind back then.)
Him: I think that it is everybody. (Way to downplay our common connection, jerk.)
Me: Not really. My friends don't understand me when I tell them why I don't trust guys and why I never have.
Him: I don't think that it's a trust issue. You just don't want to waste all the good stuff on the wrong one. Right?
Me: No. I can't find any guy to trust with anything and anything personal I can't share with guys because I'm scared they'll laugh or not care.
Him: It's not a trust issue if you are right! A lot of guys probably would laugh and not care. (Way to confirm my paranoia, dude.) Maybe you just see them for who they are. Just because you have discernment does not mean you don't trust. Maybe you are wise enough to not get laughed at.
(And that's the end of the note. Either class ended, or I lost interest. Based upon this note, I would assume the latter of the two options is true. Hope you enjoyed reading this - PEACE!)
