Note From College (Circa 2007)

This is a note between me and a guy that I just found in one of my journals (not really sure what guy this was or how I felt comfortable talking to him about this topic...oh well.)

Me: So does J****** like me? Because he said he did, but I thought he was just kidding...now I'm not so sure... (Also, sidenote: in this entire note, I was writing every lowercase 'r' as a capital 'R,' which, at the time, I probably thought was cool or endearing, but as I'm reading it now, I'm finding it plain annoying.)

Him: I have no idea. If he said he likes you then he probably does. (Oh, the deductive reasoning of the male mind...) Did he ask you out?

Me: I don't know. It was really weird. He asked me if I liked baseball though. Oh well. I'm just going to think he doesn't because I've often misjudged that in the past. (Translation: You're no help in the understanding-J****** department, so this note is a complete waste of time.)

Him: Wouldn't you rather know if he likes you? (YES! That's why I wrote you this note. Duh!)

Me: No. So don't ask. Because if he really does, then our friendship will get weird and I'll get paranoid. (Because I'm not paranoid already...)

Him: That means you don't like him like he likes you. (Where did this inference come from?)

Me: I know. I just...I don't know. Am I a tease?

Him: R you teasing him? (Never really understood how changing 'are' to 'R' really saves that much time. Maybe it's just me.)

Me: Not like that kind of teasing. I don't know how to be a friend to guys. The only interaction I understand is flirting. I'm trying though, but I don't know if my attempts are coming off as friendship or flirting.

Him: If you are flirting, it's coming off as flirting. R U FLIRTING? (Never really realized how dumb this guy was until now...)

Me: No. I'm trying to be friendly. But the only interaction I've ever had with guys is flirting. (Slight exaggeration.) So I don't know if my being friendly is coming off as being flirty.

Him: If you are not flirting, then don't worry about it. R u trying to tell me something? (Wow, egotistical much?)

Me: No. I'm trying to ask if, when I talk to you or any guys, do I come off as friendly or flirty?

Him: I thought you were flirting with me.

Me: Seriously? When?

Him: I am totally kidding! (Yeah right...)

Me: I'm trying to have a serious conversation here! I need help!

Him: It's not your fault. Some guys have never had girls be nice to them and they assume that means the girl likes him. It took me a long time to figure that out.

Me: Same here. That's why I never was able to be friends with guys. I always assumed if they talked to me, then they liked me. So I would either get freaked out and ignore them or "flirt" back. (What a sad life I led...)

Him: I think I am the same way. There are some girls that I refuse to be nice to because I am scared they will take it the wrong way. I guess I label them as either girls I like or girls I don't. Does that make sense?

Me: Yes. A lot. That's why I'm scared to be nice to T**. (Wait a minute! Weren't we just talking about J******?! Where did this T** character come from?!)

Him: I think it comes natural to do that. I know it does for me. There are different groups of girls on campus.
1) No chance at all (from me)
2) Could be dating material
3) Definitely dating material
4) Could be/definitely dating material but not sure if feeling is mutual
5) Just friends - no possibility of dating but different than #1

Me: That's a good system. (I know for a fact this note was NOT written to a guy I was interested in, because if I was, at this point I would ask him which category I fit into. But I didn't. So there.) I think, on some level, I have those same categories. The problem is how to deal with each one. Do you treat them differently from each other? Or try and treat them all the same?

Him: I definitely treat #1 different than the rest. #1's get ZERO attention. (Harsh, dude.) I don't want to be rude, but I still know they will get the wrong impression if I don't. It's not my fault that they don't know how to be friends. It sounds weird, but I think I just sit back and let the others fall into place. So I treat the rest the same until I find one that I want to ask out. P.S. That still hasn't happened! Except for maybe one person...but that has happened before and they always turn out to be something else.

Me: Yes. It's really hard to do that. That's happened to me a couple of times. I still haven't been able to find someone to totally open up to guy-wise. So I keep the same amount of layers around my heart around all guys.

Him: Me too!

Me: Seriously? I thought that was just me! (What?! I actually have something in common with a guy? I really think this revelation blew my mind back then.)

Him: I think that it is everybody. (Way to downplay our common connection, jerk.)

Me: Not really. My friends don't understand me when I tell them why I don't trust guys and why I never have.

Him: I don't think that it's a trust issue. You just don't want to waste all the good stuff on the wrong one. Right?

Me: No. I can't find any guy to trust with anything and anything personal I can't share with guys because I'm scared they'll laugh or not care.

Him: It's not a trust issue if you are right! A lot of guys probably would laugh and not care. (Way to confirm my paranoia, dude.) Maybe you just see them for who they are. Just because you have discernment does not mean you don't trust. Maybe you are wise enough to not get laughed at.

(And that's the end of the note. Either class ended, or I lost interest. Based upon this note, I would assume the latter of the two options is true. Hope you enjoyed reading this - PEACE!)

Confusing Valentine's Day (February 2001 - 7th Grade)

[Try to keep up.  For references of who people are, please refer to this previous blog entry.]

February 14, 2001

     Guess what happened in youth group tonight?  [I was going to St. Matthews, a local Catholic church, on Wednesday nights.  Not for any spiritual reasons, but just to see my friends.  I was such a heathen.]  I brought Miley with me, and when we got there, she said "hi" to all her friends.  Then, when we were in prayer, she told me that she wanted a guy to go out with her that loved her, not just one who'll say, "Whatever" and diss her off.  [Seems like a reasonable request...]  

     Well, anyway, then she told me to ask Jeremy  if he liked her and stuff, so I did.  [Jeremy was this guy I had "gone out with" in elementary school for over a year, even though we never held hands and we only went on one date with his dad and his best friend who I sat in between during the movie; I talked to his best friend more than him!]  He said, "Yeah, I kinda do; maybe," so I told her.  Then, she was all, "Well, ask him if he has a gf and if he would go out with me if I asked him."  He said sure.  So I went back and forth between them until he finally asked her out.  She said yes!  [I'm such a good friend.]

     Then, they were like holding hands after church was over.  When Emily found out that Jeremy and Miley were going out, she was all, "I don't want them to, because I don't want her to hurt him" and junk.  Then, without my knowledge, Miley told Craig I liked him, and asked if he would go out with me.  [Okay, so after Jeremy broke up with me in elementary school because he liked someone else, I "went out with" his best friend, Craig, to get back at him.  He ended up getting a new best friend, and Craig and I ended up dating until elementary school ended.  We broke up because we were going to different middle schools and didn't want to be tied down.]  As Jeremy and Craig left, Craig gave a thumbs up sign to Miley, THEN she decided she would tell me, and I was mad, confused, and scared. 

     I was mad that she was trying to hook me and Craig up when she had said she wanted Franky and me to go out.  [For information on who Franky is, refer to this post.]  I was confused, because I like Franky, Craig, Manny, Josh, Jeremy, and Steven (<kinda), and I don't know who I like most.  [My best friend in high school used to joke that my love life was like the Barnum and Bailey Circus. haha]  Steven is definitely out, because too many people would kick my butt to have him.  [It's true; he was a player, like I said.]  I was scared, because I'm going out with someone, and I've never even kissed a guy, but I don't want anyone to know. 

     Tomorrow, Miley is supposed to call me, and she's supposed to call Jeremy; then I'm supposed to call Craig, and we're supposed to do a 4-way call!  Whew!  My hand is tired!  [You're not the only one who's tired.]  More later!

February 15, 2001

     Today in school was fun.  Not much happened, except for a killer Geography test on South America.  I thought I was gonna die!  [Spoiler alert: I didn't.]

     Anyway, when I got home after school, I waited for Miley to call me, then I called her and her mom said she would be back at around 6.  So I talked to Erika for like an hour, and then Miley called me.  Then we called Craig, and I broke up with him [less than 24 hours; that's a new record], because Tessa told Miley she wanted to go out with him.  

     The rest of the night was a whole bunch of 3-way calls: we called Josh and he wasn't there; we called Jeremy (and the line was either busy or there was no one home); we called Franky, and he said I looked sweet and was pretty; we called Manny who told Miley he didn't like me [surely I got the picture after this rejection!]; and we called Zeke who wasn't home. [Zeke was kind of a nerd.  I mean, he wore chapstick on a string around his neck and played bassoon in the orchestra.  There was just something about him, though...]  

     My mom got pretty mad at me for staying on the phone so long.  Oh well.  I think she has a death wish for Miley.  Oh well. 

[And the plot thickens.  For those of you who are wondering, yes, "Miley" is the same girl as "J.M." from this entry.  I was friends with her before all of that went down.]

La Historia del Julio (Fall 2000 - 7th Grade)

[I am obsessed with Sweet Valley High right now.  Only slightly though.  Don't judge me.  So I might be renaming characters from my journal entries after them.]

     August 27, 2000

     I am very frustrated this year.  Things have changed on the bus and in school, too.  All my classes seem unfamiliar [that's because they are, duh!], and the the only classes I can relax in are Chorus and Math.  Oh, woe is me!  [Let me tell you, the weight of the world is only my shoulders here...]  Plus, Casper won't even talk to me unless Malia is there.  [That's because he liked Malia, not me.  I should have seen the writing on the wall.]  No bf either, and no candidate for one.  [That changed soon, though.  Probably the next day.]

September 25, 2000

     I do like someone, but he's not a choice for bf, because he's in average classes.  [Obviously, because I'm so selective...]  I have something REALLY important to write, but I have to tell you AFTER I get a shower.  [On the edge of my seat here.]

     Okay, I got a shower and cleaned up my room...sorta.  I feel much better now!  Anywayz, I had a really bad day today :'(  First of all, let me tell you about people in my story so far this year:

Steven - Taran's bf now.  He's nice to girls, and tells jokes a lot (or tries to anyway).  Total player.
John - Steven's best friend.  Poser.  [In hindsight, there were a lot of guys named "John" in my middle school.]
Julio - the guy I like.  He's really sweet but really quiet, so I don't know much about him.  Plus he's in average classes...  [Two thoughts here - 1) the reason he was so quiet was because he didn't really know English, not because he was sweet; and 2) I think I was attracted to quiet, mysterious guys, because then I could imagine they were a lot nicer and more mature than they actually were.  Which, when you think about it, is stupid, and girls, you should never do it!]
Taran - I don't really know her anymore.  She hasn't talked to me in a LONG time.  Oh well.  I don't need her.  [I was obviously jealous of Taran, because I secretly liked Steven.  Just wait and see.]
Tasha - Taran's friend.  Really cool.  [She's not actually in the story anywhere; I just wanted to give her a shout out.]
Krista - Curses a lot.  Likes to make people feel bad.  I don't like her!  [Although in the previous entry, I had just stood with her in the lunch line and defended her against people bad-mouthing her.  Makes perfect sense...]
Laura - Funny, nice, and friendly.  A really good person to talk to.
Enid - Hyper, weird, pretty.  Sometimes I just can't figure her out!  [Sweet Valley nickname.  Although, this girl really did remind me of Enid.]
Winston & Manny - Immature boys.  [More SVH nicknames.  However, weren't all boys immature in middle school?  I don't know why I found them to be such massive exceptions.]
Ashley - I have no clue!  [That girl was craaaaazy.  Although, she's grown up to be a beautiful woman who just recently married a handsomely bearded man.  You go, girl.]

      Something really depressing happened to me today.  [I liked to use that word a lot.  It encompassed most of my tumultuous adolescent feelings.]  You see, Enid was going out with Manny, and Krista, Laura, and Ashley were all pressuring Enid to hold his hand and kiss him.  Finally, Enid got fed up, so she broke up with Manny.  They were so mad that they swore they wouldn't talk to Enid, and when Krista found out I was hanging out with Enid, she made Laura promise not to talk to me!  I was so depressed!  [See?  Told you.]  Hope I'm not so sad tomorrow.

October 3, 2000

     School sure does take it's toll on me.  [Hahaha, I have such a hard life apparently.]  I think I might need more attention and more friends now, because I'm in my teens, and I'm supposed to be independent and always doing stuff with my friends, but I'm not.  [Oh brother.]  I don't have a lot of friends in church [because I was going to a super-legalistic church in Haines City, and I think their parents told them to stay away because my parents were divorced.  Like it was contagious or something.]  I'm too square [i.e., conservative] for the "cusser gang" at school, but I don't fit in with the "Alpha" kids or the "fashion" club.  [Okay, alpha was the highest level of academic classes in middle school, kinda like AP classes in high school.  Then you had average classes (lowest level) and the advanced classes (the middle level, or the bourgeois).]  The fashion club is my name for Laura, Ashley, Krista, Winston, and Manny, because I don't know how else to describe them.  [And also because they were constantly dressed in Abercrombie or Aeropostale.]  

     Anyways, I need to do more stuff with my friends [want, not need, 12-year-old me], but if I tried to, then my mom might get really depressed [there's that word again], because I might always be asking to go places like my sisters do.  Mom gets mad when they do.

     I don't know what to do.  School has really changed a lot.  I told Tasha and Steven I like Julio, but I still haven't talked to him yet.  [He wouldn't be able to understand most of what I said, anyway.]  Steven and Tasha said I should, but I'm too shy to.  Also, Steven and Taran broke up.  He's going out with Amanda Keel.  I've been thinking about Josh a lot lately.  [Reminder - Josh is the guy I dated for a nanosecond in 6th grade.  We broke up because of his long arms.]  Not every second, but enough to where I know my heart is trying to tell me something.  Agggghhh!  [Because that's not overdramatic at all.]

October 9, 2000

     Okay, I can probably tell you about Julio now.  As you've probably already figured out, I have a little (try big) crush on Julio.  I've never really talked to him, but that's irrelevant right?  [In middle school, yes.  Always.] 

     Guess what?  Today in lunch, I sat with Tara because she really wanted me to.  She said that she's still hung up on Steven.  Aww, ain't that sweet?!  [Yeah, not jealous at all here.]  Anyways, Julio actually talks at the table now, but only a little.  I can't quite figure out if he likes me or not, but I really think he might.  He looks at me a lot and smiles, but he hasn't tried to talk to me yet. 

     On Sunday, I went to church with my mom.  I came home, and she told me to do my homework so we could go to Target.  I cleaned my room.  She told me to do my homework.  I vacuumed my room and cleaned out my fan.  She told me to do my homework.  I cleared off my sliding doors; she told me to do my homework.  We washed the dogs.  I taped the Sixth Sense.  [That was the only scary movie I would ever watch.]  She told me to do my homework.  I took a shower; she told me to do my homework.  I read, ate supper, and brushed my teeth.  She didn't say anything.  I did my homework.  Now my room is really clean, the dogs are washed, and my homework is done!  I don't know what the point of that was [me neither], but I do know I have a lot of homework to do tonight.  [How does that make sense?!]

October 24, 2000

     I'm sorry that I haven't written in awhile; it's just that I've been so busy lately.  I literally cannot think about anything but seeing Josh again.  I'm over Julio [how did that happen?!], over Casper [not], but still hooked on - you got it - Josh.  Where is he?!  [Probably at home being normal...unlike me.]

     I'm at school early so I can see Josh again.  Yesterday, my astrology said I would communicate with someone from an old relationship - Josh!  I didn't yesterday, but I hope to today.

     He never came.  Didn't see him in the halls either.  Oh well!  [And thus began my stalker days...not creepy at all.]

November 17, 2000

     I'm at a friend's house spending the night.  I'm sooo tired.  [Then why are you awake and writing in your diary??]  I still like Manny.  [Well, didn't see that one coming.]  On Thursday, I was sitting in front of Laura and Ashley in Math.  I was writing a note to them about whether or not I should tell him I like him, because I don't want to go out with anyone this year, because of what happened to me and Josh last year.  [Obviously, our break-up scarred me for life...?]  Plus, Manny is shorter than me, and he is really shy.  [Aha!  So the truth comes out!] 

     I am shy too, and even if we went out, we would probably just end up like Manny and Enid (being forced to hold hands in public and kiss, and then breaking up because of it, and never speaking to each other again).

     Anyway, so Manny saw part of the note and Ashley asked him something.  He said, "No" and his faced turned red.  Then Laura said, "Sure, that's what you said about Enid."  Then I asked Ashley what she said to him, and she said she had asked him if he wanted to go out with me.  Then I said, "Why did you ask him that?"  Ashley said he already knows I like him!  When I asked her how he knows that, she said that Laura told him.  But when I asked Laura, she swore she didn't.  [Oh, to get caught spilling your friend's secrets in middle school.  You will suffer a fate worse than death itself.]  Manny didn't talk to me at all the rest of the day.  Oh well.  There goes another potential husband down the tube.  [Goodness, I was so marriage-minded at such a young age! haha]

     I still like Manny, but I'm not gonna go out with him this year.  I think I'll wait.  [How I handle rejection - denial.]

[So there you have it.  The on-going drama of Josh, la historia del Julio, and my brief crush on Manny - who, fun fact, I went to elementary school with, and I'm pretty sure we might have been bf/gf for like a week sometime during then, back when I was shorter and less selective.]

First Day of School - August 2000 (7th Grade)

     Sorry I haven't written in a long time, it's just that I have been really busy doing nothing.  [Because that makes sense.]  I know, I am so lazy.  I guess I've never realized the importance of a diary until now; but I would rather say "journal."  [I guess you also have never realized the proper ways to use a comma and semi-colon either...]  A diary sounds like something a prep would right in, and I am NOT a prep.
     Anyways, I have a lot to write about, but I need to do it soon, before I forget [apparently Alzheimer's does not only affect the older generation].  Mrs. Sims, my geography teacher, totally messed up our lunchtimes.  You see, we are usually supposed to go to Silent Reading after 3rd period, but we did NOT know that.  So instead, we went to Mrs. Sims after Mr. Huber.  [I'm failing to see how this mix-up is Mrs. Sims's fault at all.]  Mrs. Sims is a teacher I don't particularly like.  She is old, so she forgets a lot [rude!]; but there's just something about her no one likes.  [I am ashamed at how mean and critical I sound!]
     Anyways, we went to Mrs. Sims, who didn't know either, so we finally figured out what had happened, went downstairs, and I had to wait with Krista in line to pay our lunch money.  We were waiting next to the Dolphins, and one dolphin, Sarah, walked up to us.  [No, they were not actual dolphins.  Each grade level was divided into two teams, and the 7th grade teams were the dolphins and the sharks.  I was a shark...obvi.]
     "Some people are saying you think I'm a whore [though I spelled it "hore" in my youthful ignorance], and I just want you to know that whatever you want to say to me, you better say it to my face, you {insert not-nice word here}," Sarah said to Krista.  So the whole time Krista and I were in line, Sarah was up there w/ her friends from the Dolphins, and they were all talking about Krista.  And guess what, one of the people she was talking to was Josh L.!!  [He was this guy I "went out with" in sixth grade for about a week.  The reason I broke up with him was because he always walked down the stairs holding my hand so fast, I almost fell a couple of times.  In fact, one time, I think I did fall.  But I was too chicken to tell him he was the reason why.  So I broke up with him instead.  Wise decision on my part, I believe.]
     I was so mad at Josh for listening to all that, that I felt like saying some not-nice things to him, but I don't do that in public.  [So I guess I do it in private?  Weird.]  So I just talked to Krista who was very mad and confused because she didn't even know Sarah!  [Classic he-said, she-said.  So middle school.]
     After we paid our lunch, we had to eat with the sixth graders.  Uggh!  [A definite social "no-no" when you're in 7th grade, which is a whole year higher.]  That day was so messed up.  Plus, to add to my woes, neither Casper [actual nickname of a guy I liked] or Josh even talked to me!  [Hold up; wasn't I just talking about how rude he was for listening to smack about Krista?  I am/was so fickle.]
     Okay, I guess if I want to write about school, I should start soon.  Okay, I guess I'll start with first period.  [Genius, Chrissy.  Really.]
     Mrs. Johnson is my homeroom teacher this year.  She used to be the library assistant last year.  I think she's pretty, but a little overdone.  Her hair is a blondish color that is definitely not natural.  [I love how I described it as "a blondish color" instead of just straight-up saying blond. hahahaha]  She smiles a lot, and she is really nice.  In first period, we don't have to do anything.  [I'll bet you 50 cents that's why I liked her so much - no work in her class!  Woot!]
     Mrs. Brown is my Chorus (2nd period) teacher.  She sings really well, but she's not that good at playing the piano.  [Sounds like me!]  She really tries to, though.  [Oh wait, maybe not.]  She has an average height, and brown hair.  She is really easygoing and nice.  Mrs. Brown hardly ever pressures us to do something we don't want to do.  I really like her.  [I'm really bad at describing people and making them sound interesting.  Obviously.]
     Third Period.  Mr. Huber.  The only guy teacher I have this year.  He is really funny and really smart.  We do a lot of work in that class; of course, what do you expect in Science?  [Get ready for a really stupid 7th-grade argument about why Science sucks.  Feel free to scroll over it.]  That is probably man's most blinded subject.  I mean, they try to explain things logically and analitically [learn to spell, Acree], but some things are unexplainable [not a word].  I mean, it's good to try to explain some very important facts, but other things, like miricales [seriously?! Invest in a dictionary!!], are best left in the memory as one of God's messages.  It's not that I hate all science, but I don't like the ideas of the big bang and evolution.  [Whew.  Done with that.  I warned you guys.]
     Fourth period is after Silent Reading and Lunch [obviously, the order is of utmost importance to 7th-grade me.]  I have Mrs. Sims for Geography.  I don't like her; I already told you why.  Geography class for this part of the year is teaching us about latitude, longitude, plates, currents, axis, and all that good stuff.  Yay!  (Yeah right.)
     Fifth period is P.E. with Mrs. Dickens.  Mrs. Dickens is black.  She's also really funny; she works us really heard though, because it is like 100 degree weather out there, and my uniform really stinks now.  [TMI, Chrissy.  T...M...I.]   Mrs. Dickens is a little wide [hahaha!], I have to admit, but she doesn't act like it's a problem, like when fat people waddle.  [Sometimes I seriously question where I come up with this stuff.]
     In sixth period, I have Mrs. Wilks!  She is the most wonderful teacher in the world; that's what she tells us to tell her.  She has a really great sense of humor, that is the best class I've ever been in, even if it's after P.E., and my face is red and really hot.  Mrs. Wilks used to go to school with my Aunt Bonnie, and she has blond hair that was "touched by the sun."  Her hips are a little wide [a physical characteristic I have come to appreciate now that I'm older and suffer from the same condition], but she is really great.
     7th period is Mrs. Green.  She is obsessed with ladybugs and her son.  [No joke.  It was actually kind of creepy the way she talked about him.]  She has really feathery brown hair and is a little chubby.  She gets mad about the stupidest things, but is always really nice other times.
     Eighth period is Mrs. Johnson again.  When we come in, we have to do Bellwork.  It's usually riddles or word problems for the brain, probably because that class is Critical Thinking!  [I don't miss a thing, do I?]  Anyways, those are my teachers for school.

[Enthralling stuff, right?]
   

The Screenplay of Looooove (Spring 2002 - 8th grade)

[Found this gem hidden in my journal!]

{Scene}  (Chorus Room)   

John and Chrissy have just walked in through the band room, and are waiting for Mr. Michaels to get back from signing in to the office.  There's a knock at the hallway door, and a guy with glasses and black hair in a band uniform is there.

John: (to the guy) Hey...your bowtie is messed up.  (Tries to fix it.)

Guy: (looks at Chrissy) Hey, John, is that your sister?  [EX-cuuuuuse me?  Is you not seeing me standing right here??  Rude!] 

Chrissy is already getting creepy vibes from this guy.  She laughs when John does and shakes her head, trying to appear casual.

John: Naw man; does she look like my sister?  (Continues fussing with the bowtie.)

Guy: No.  (Looks Chrissy up and down.)  Man, stop messing with my tie; I look fine! 

John: Yeah right; Chrissy, who looks better, me or him? 

Chrissy: (who wants to immediately shout "John" restrains herself, studies them each a moment, and says)  John does... 

John, satisfied, walks over to the piano and starts playing the keys.  Chrissy goes and sits down in one of the chairs.  The guy sits right next to her.  [EX-cuuuuse me sir, don't you see we is in a chorus room with all these chairs to choose from??  Why is you sitting right nex' to me??  SECURITY!] 

Guy: So, are you and John going out? 

John suddenly stops playing the piano, and Chrissy pauses.

Chrissy: Yes... (She gives John a look.  John, catching on to the lie, nods in agreement.)

Guy: Nuh-uh, it took you two too long to answer; y'all aren't really going out. 

John: Yes we are! 

Guy: (still suspicious)  Okay, whatever.  

Chrissy: Why'd you wanna know anyway? 

Guy: Well...  (gives Chrissy the once-over again)  No reason... 

Chrissy: (moves away from him and goes to stand next to John; then, in a whisper to John)  John, let's get outta here! 

John agrees, and they both exit, the guy following... 

{Scene 2} (Outside in the courtyard that same morning)   

John and Chrissy are walking quickly together.  Chrissy glances over her shoulder and slows down.

Chrissy: John, I think we lost him. 

John: (slowing down, too)  Good. 

Chrissy: Does he always act like that? 

John: Yeah, he's always flirting. 

Chrissy: (trembles in disgust)  Ugh. 

John: Exactly! 

Chrissy: Uh-oh, John; there he is! 

The guy walks toward them, waving.

Chrissy: Quick, let's go talk to Ashley and them. 

John: Good idea; c'mon! 

They quickly head over to a group of 7th graders, some of which they know.  Chrissy starts talking to Ashley and Piper.

Chrissy: (out of John's earshot) Guess what?  I just got hit on by one of John's really ugly friends!  He asked me if I was going out with John, and I said yes! 

Piper: What?  You're going out with John? 

Chrissy: No, I just said that so that guy wouldn't ask me out! 

Ashley: (puts her hand up to Chrissy's ear and whispers)  Why don't you just go out with John?  You would look so cute together! 

Chrissy laughs and shakes her head, all the while secretly agreeing.  Suddenly, the bell rings.

John: (as he walks away with Chrissy)  What were y'all talking about?  

Chrissy: Well, I just told them what happened.  Ashley said I should go out with you, cuz we would look cute together!  (laughs again)

John: Well, why not? 

Chrissy: (as she girlishly squeals in her mind)  Cuz school's almost over, and... 

John: We'll be going to the same school next year anyway.  I hope we have some classes together. 

Chrissy: Yeah, me too.

[TALK ABOUT ANTICLIMACTIC!  #middleschoolprobz]

The Melodrama of Ryan (Circa March 2002 - 8th Grade)

[The following features journal entries from the time in my life when I was extremely dramatic and boy-crazy.  This particular boy was a fascination of mine for about 2-3 months of my life, which is a long time when you're in middle school.  His name has been changed to protect his identity.  After the completion of these journal entries, "Ryan" went on to great things...ish.  He eventually decided to become gay.  If you're wondering where I developed such awful taste in boys, you're not the only one.  Enjoy!]

          Dear J.C. [How I referred to Jesus in my middle school journaling; He my home boy],
                  Today Ryan hugged me!  I know, you're probably wondering why, right?  Like you don't know already!  Well, over Spring Break, his g-ma died.  So when he came to school on Monday, I asked him what was wrong, cuz he seemed kinda bummed out.  He told me about his g-ma, so I decided to make a card for him from "the FCA."  [We were both FCA leaders in the 8th grade, so I guess I wasn't totally off-base in liking him, right?]
                  Well, I worked all morning cutting out letters with help from Ashley and Hannah, cutting out hearts, and gluing it all together with help from Meghan and Hannah. [So, technically, I wasn't the only one working, though I'm taking all the credit here.  So humble of me.]  I was gonna give it to him yesterday, the day I made it, but Leigh-Anne wanted to sign it, so I gave it to him today after Chorus.  I was just gonna give it to him and go [Oh, the emotional maturity of a middle schooler], but he grabbed my arm b4 I could.  *SIGH*  [I don't know what disturbs me more here; my inability to spell words out, or my near-swoon because a boy grabbed my arm.]
                  Anyway, after he read it, he hugged me!  I was like "Wow!" all through the day!

          JC,
                  Well, me and you have a lot of catching up to do!  Today after school, the FCA had a "Power Blast" which included a skit brought to you by the FCA Leadership Team.  ANYWAY, of course, Ryan just had to be Jesus in this skit, and I bet he would have made you proud!  [Gag.]  Well, yesterday morning, we had practice for the skit, but I wasn't at school b/c I didn't feel too well (female problem...)  Anyway, so when I came to school early this morning, I expected Ryan to say how much he missed me yesterday, etc., etc., and me to live happily ever after in Ryan-land...*SIGH* [there I go with the sighing again!]...NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
                  Turns out he was suspended for 5 days, starting today, for supposedly sexually harassing J.M. and some other girls.  And he admitted it!  I was so shocked! [as exhibited by my overuse of exclamation points].  I never believed he could be capable of such a thing...I dunno...maybe he was "framed," because I mean, c'mon, it's J.M. we're talking about!  [Picture J.M. as a present-day Lindsay Lohan or Miley Cyrus, and you'll understand my disbelief as to why anyone would want to sexually harass her.]

          Dear JC,
                   He's coming back tomorrow!  I'm kinda nervous about it, though, because I don't know what to do or say.  I hope he's not going to be bitter or vindictive about it... Ugh!  What to wear?... Am I being shallow and insensitive by worrying about what to wear...?  [Of course not; the Kardashians do it all the time. *SARCASM*]
                   Anyway, I haven't even told you about Boyd yet [this guy in my youth group from middle school].  Well, Sunday night before the DU [Destination Unknown], he asked me if I was doing the media fast.  Well to make an extremely long story supremely short [where did I come up with this stuff?!], I agreed to be his accountability partner.  [A word of advice, ladies; NEVER agree to be a guy's accountability partner!  It's just a ploy to get into your...Bible.  *cough*]  So, on Monday night, I called him to ask if he had - in any way - broken his commitment.  Well, to make ANOTHER extremely long story supremely short [seriously, if I could time travel, I would go back to that moment and smack myself so hard], we flirted, hung up, and I immediately called Hannah [the pastor's daughter and my best friend] and confessed my unholy thoughts... [because to middle-school me, flirting was desperately wicked and sinful].
                   Well, last night, I called Hannah, we tried to 3-way him to find out if he liked me [3-way calling; the most drama you can get out of a night at home], he wasn't home, then my sister had to use the phone, he called during that time, my mom started asking questions which I dodged expertly if I do say so myself, I called him back, talked awhile, called Hannah, was going to try 3-waying him again, but his line was busy, went on-line to talk to Hannah, then had to go to the weekly softball game...*BREATH*  Sorry, that was a very extremely long story very supremely short [that's it, 14-year-old me.  You're grounded.  Forever.]                      WELL... Now you've heard me confess my sins and transgressions, so I must rest, for all this confessing has tired me greatly!  To be continued...  "Make sure to read tomorrow's entry which will answer the questions:  'Happy Ryan, or not Happy Ryan? That is the question.'  And will Chrissy truly be over Lance [another guy I liked at the time], or will his seductive smile seduce her again?  And who will Ashley flirt with next?  And is Boyd the one for Chrissy, or not?...  So be sure to tune in tomorrow for the continuation of...CHRISSY'S WORLD!! (in color!)  [As I sit here and read this, there are no words to describe the level of humiliation I feel at my stupidity.]

          Dear JC,
                   Well, Ryan came back today!  And in case you were probably wondering, even though you probably weren't, I wore my fave pair of denim jeans and a Denison shirt, as usual, but my hair looked extremely and supremely pretty!  [Kind of wondering if maybe those were vocab words I went a little overboard with.]
                   Anyway, I was in Mrs. Smith's room, trying to figure out what we were going to do in the next FCA meeting, when he walked in.  I was facing away from him, and Mrs. Smith was out running errands, so I had the room all to myself... [Bow chicka bow wow!  Just kidding.  Gross.]  I instinctively knew it was him without having to turn my head and look.  But I wanted to look; I wanted to jump up and run over and hug him and never let go, but I just sat there and took deep, calming breaths.  [Because that's not dramatic at all.]  It seemed like an eternity while I turned my upper body to face him...how would he look?  Would he be sad, mad, scared to face me...what?  [OH, the suspense! OH, the...nausea.  *Barf*]
                   Instead, he looked just like the sweet, easygoing Ryan I had seen and known forever before.  I smiled, and he smiled back.  "Ryan," I said, or was it "hi"?  Whatever it was, he said it back, and everything was just as it should be, if only between us... [I think I just threw up.]

(Later, after Mrs. Smith returned to her room, and we were all reunited):
     "Bye, Mrs. Smith!  Since you don't need me anymore this morning, I'm leaving," I said.  [I guess at this point, I decided to flex my literary muscles and attempt to write this in story form.]
     "Ok," she said absentmindedly, and waved me off.
     "Where are you going?" Ryan asked.  I shook my head as I grabbed my bookbag and walked out, knowing that if he wanted to talk to me, he'd follow.  He did.  [I was such a manipulative genius...]
     "What was that about?" he asked as we walked away aimlessly.  Bunches of students milled around in clusters, doing whatever students do before the bell rings in the morning.
     "I just wanted to get away from her (Mrs. Smith).  You should have heard the way she was talking about you this morning..."
     He did a double-take.  "What?!"
     I had done it again.  Opened my big mouth and let something totally unexpected drop out, and it wasn't spit [as if I wasn't totally plotting to tell him in the first place.  Oh, woe is me, I'm such a victim, blah, blah, blah.  I knew perfectly well what I was doing.]
     "Where are we going?" I asked, trying to change the subject.  He didn't take the hint.
     "What did -"
     "Chrissy!"  It was Lyndsay.  Glad to have an interruption, I turned toward her.  "Are you and Ryan going out?"  [Really, Lyndsay, right in front of Ryan?  How classy...not.  *sigh*  The social etiquette of middle school...]
     "What? No!" I sputtered, and turned on my heel and followed Ryan into the Chorus room, astounded.  I knew people were talking about us, but I never knew they could be so BLATANT about it!
     "Chrissy...Chrissy...CHRISSY!"  It was Lance, who had been listening in on the question Lyndsay asked.  I spun around and glared at him, suddenly becoming furious that people could be so rude.
     "WHAT?" I bellowed (if you can imagine a female bellowing).
     His expression suddenly changed to innocent and defensive.  "I just wanted to know if you had FCA today; geez!"
     Firstly, Lance has never in his life been to an FCA meeting.  Secondly, he has never in his life inquired about FCA.  And lastly, that was plainly not the question he wanted to ask...
     "No!" I said, and slammed the door in his face.  (Well, kinda, cuz it's really hard to close one of those doors!)  I turned back to Ryan, and he motioned me into one of the chairs.  I sighed, and, knowing the real meaning of that gesture, resigned myself to the inevitable, sat down, and told him everything Mrs Smith had said about believing he had actually sexually harassed J.M., etc., etc.
     Just then, I saw the two people I least wanted to see enter the room, Renard and Josh [actual names].  Renard, who had been yelling out, "Hey Chrissy, you like Ryan Eldridge?" over the din of the outside crowd just a minute ago, should get the award for middle school's most annoying, perverted jerk.  Need I say more?
     And Josh, well, I didn't want to see Josh b/c I hate the way he just looks at you, and you know what he's thinking, even before he says it.  And when he does say something, most of the time, you wish he would shut up.  I mean, it's not like he talks a lot or anything, but, well...you know.
     So, they walk in, and Renard just looks ... you know, one of those Josh looks ... and I know he's gonna say something, but before he does, Jay Morris walks in (well, more like waddles in, because he's wearing those huge bellbottoms; the ones that are so big, it's like two skirts have been sewn together!)
     Well, Renard would never, in a million years, pass up this opportunity, so Ryan and I make our escape.        

    While we were walking to the cafeteria, we stopped and talked to some 7th graders.  After that, we were just standing around by the picnic tables, and I finally asked the question that had been on my mind all that morning - "What happened?"

     I had failed my plan.  See, my plan was to act all cool and laid back, and wait until everyone else asked before I even said, "hi," to him and let him decide to tell me, but no!
     He didn't blow up at me for asking, he just took it with the easy self-assurance and collectiveness he has [Lord, I am too free with my compliments of the opposite sex.  It obviously didn't take much to impress me.]  He didn't get bitter; he just treated it like someone had asked him what last night's homework was or if today's weather wasn't the most beautiful ever.
     Since I seem to be making supremely short stories extremely long today [Gee, you think?], I think I'll summarize his answer.  It went something to this effect if I remember:
     1.  He didn't do it (Yay! I was right!)
     2.  He admitted to it because he got so fed up with Mr. Wilson asking him and not believing the answer, that he "confessed."
     3. He was supposedly accused of allegedly feeling on J.M. and grabbing her butt.
     Well, now you know all I know, because the bell rang, and I haven't seen him since.  And I don't know his phone number [wow, obviously this whole love affair was all in my head if I didn't even have his digits!], so I can't call him.  Umm...I've lost the writing bug, it's 11 pm, and I'm tired, so I'll write about the rest of my day tomorrow.  I know, you're sad, but you'll get over it...

     GOODNIGHT... Did Ryan really do it?  Please help J.M., Lord...Well *yawn*...I...love...you...Lord...

[Well, that pretty much signaled the end of my love affair with Ryan.  We never even went on a single date or had a single telephone conversation.  Pretty pathetic if you ask me.  Although, my writing wasn't too bad in the last entry :)  So, in conclusion, I hope you enjoyed...and don't hate the player, hate the game.]

Letter to an Ex (February 2002 - I was in 8th Grade)

          Dear Franky [yes, that was his real name unfortunately],

                  I called your house (or the one you used to live in), but you weren't there.  I was so bummed out when the person who answered the phone said you had moved to Alabama!  :'(  I guess the whole reason I called you was because I missed talking to you and I still like you.  And I don't think I ever stopped liking you, but I guess I was just scared when I broke up with you.  I mean, you were sweet & cute & considerate, and all the things I'm not used to in a guy [I shudder to think of the kind of guys I was "used to," then].  And another thing you are is a really good friend, and a really good boyfriend...that's another reason I broke up with you.  [Bet that's one he never heard before.  "You're just too awesome; I think we should break up."  Who was I?!]  Because, when you wanted to kiss me and stuff, I got really freaked out, because I'm not really the world's most frequently kissed girl, [Translation - "I've actually never been kissed, but I'm too much of a pansy to admit it] and I'm sorry if that's not really what you want to hear, but oh well; I'm saying it anyway.  Do you have an email address?  [Smooth transition, 14-year-old me.]  Or better yet, call me at my house.  My number is 555-5555.  And, in case you forgot the area code, it's 863!  Please call me, b/c I REALLY need someone to talk to, because my whole family's driving me nuts! [Oh yes, the classic teen angst of "my family doesn't understand me, only you do, boy I barely know at all!"]  Well, I just tried to call back to your old house, because I thought maybe your sister, Nikki, could give me your new number, but I think your grandpa answered.  [Kind of suspect how his sister and grandpa are still in town, if he supposedly moved to Alabama.  Hmmm...]  Then, he asked me where I lived, and I got really scared and hung up.  SO I think I'll just not call that number anymore :)!  Have you changed any since I saw you last?  I have.  (Duh!)  [<That's literally what I wrote in the letter.  So my self-commentating began at a young age.]  Well, I gots 2 go!  Call me or w/b/s.

              -Christina

[First of all, I'm so glad I never mailed this letter.  Second of all, I can't believe I ever dated a guy named Franky in the first place.  The only redeeming quality of this letter - I didn't tell Franky I loved him.  Score.]

First Attempt at a Story - Untitled Romance (Circa August 2000)

     Cherry Apple (pronounced Sherry Appall) had never been so excited.  She was about to meet her friend's boyfriend.  Laran was Tina's newest.  And cutest, supposedly.
     Ring, ring. 
     Cher jumped.  She had been so busy hoping Laran would make Tina happy, that she hadn't heard the phone until the fourth ring.  She dove for it right before the answering machine clicked on.
     "Cher here," she breathed.
     "Hey, Cher!" chirped a familiar voice.  "I can't make it tonight, but Laran is coming anyway."
     Cher smiled.  "Hey Tina, that's fine.  I guess I'll have more time to talk to him all about you!" she joked.  "When I'm through, there won't be a thing he won't know about your adorable childhood!"
     After a minute of girlish gossip, Cherry hung up.  She smiled to herself, trying to assure her racing heart that there was nothing to be afraid of.  After all, Cher told herself, Tina knows him, so he must be really nice.  The truth was, though, that Tina was usually meeting her guys at clubs or bars.  Cherry started to sweat, but before she could call and cancel, the doorbell rang.
     Trembling, Cher opened the front door, and instead of finding a bum with long hair and torn jeans, she saw a well-built man with blond hair, a silk black shirt, and a pair of tight denim jeans.  Her breath came in short gasps now as she looked at the person in front of her.
     He smiled, then asked, "Are you okay?"
     She suddenly realized she was shaking uncontrollably, so she tried to stop, with little success.
     "Hi," Cher said, sticking her hand out awkwardly, "my name is Cher; of course, you probably already knew that..."  She trailed off silently as he shook her hand.
     "I'm Laran," he boomed in a deep, rich voice.  An almost sensuous voice...
     "Uh-umm," Laran cleared his throat, cutting into her thoughts.  She looked at him dumbly before realizing his intention.
     "Oh!  Would you like to come in?" Cher squeaked, then turned red as he laughed.
     The night started smoothly as dinner was served while they chatted politely.  She grew very respectful of him when he told her his hopes for the law firm he worked for.
     After dinner, the two friends sat in the living room on the couch sipping wine and talking more openly.  She had learned that Laran grew up in California, and also that he was very flirtatious.  Cher wondered, as Laran told her about his hometown, where Tina could have met such an intelligent man.
     "Laran, where did you and Tina meet?" Cher asked.  Laran looked a little puzzled.
     "Tina met me when she started working as my personal secretary.  Didn't she tell you?"
     "No," Cher admitted, "Tina hardly ever tells me where she meets her boyfriends."
     Laran gaped.  "Her boyfriends?!  Where did that come from?"
     "Well," Cher started, "whatever you want to call yourself; you two are dating, aren't you?"
     "I'm not her boyfriend, and we're most certainly not dating!  I was told BY HER that you were my date."
     Cher leaned back from the blow.  Tina knew she wasn't ready to get a new boyfriend since her other one died in a wreck.  Tears forced their way to the surface as the wound of the tragedy was torn open again.
     "Excuse me," she choked, and ran to the bathroom, letting the tears flow.  Sobs rocked her body as the minutes passed.  What seemed like hours later, a soft knock sounded at the door.
     "I'm sorry, Cher, was it something I said?"
     She didn't answer, but instead unlocked the door and opened it.
     "Look, I apologize for the way I acted, because I know this must be extremely awkward for you; I mean, you don't even know what happened when..." she started, but trailed off and wrapped her arms around herself, trying to stop the chill invading her body from the memory.
     Suddenly, she shook herself and looked up at Laran, who was staring at her, concerned.
     "Cher," he started, but Cher quickly brushed past him, and headed for the front door, with her "date" following along, surprised.
     "Thank you for coming," Cher said, reaching the hall and throwing the door open.  Laran looked at Cher hesitantly, but he walked out anyway, shutting the door softly.
     Cher heaved a huge sigh, crashing against the door and sliding down to the floor.  Teary-eyed, she hugged her knees to her body and closed her eyes.
     Cher regretfully recalled everything she had seen in Laran.  His eyes were a deep blue that she could drown in any day; his smile made her head swim; his laugh was a deep, rich sound that had her wishing he could do it forever, and his touch...oh, his touch; it felt like fire to her skin, and left a tingling that warmed her fingertips.  A tear rolled down her cheek.
     Cher needed Laran to stay; she needed him to hold her and heal her pain.  She needed to tell him what had happened that night; she needed him to understand...
     Ding, dong.
     Cher jumped up and threw open the door.  It was like he was an angel that was sent down from heaven.
     "Oh Laran," Cher choked as she threw herself in his arms.
     "Cher," Laran whispered comfortingly.
     Cher didn't realize what happening until she lifted her head from Laran's coat.  Apparently, he had let her cry her eyes out while he sat there holding her to his chest.  Her legs were draped across his thighs, and her back was to the wall.
     "Oh Laran, your silk shirt," Cher started, her hands already checking the damage.  BIG mistake.  As soon as she touched him, her skin was on fire.  "Thank you," she whispered thickly.  "I needed that."
     Slowly, she looked up into his eyes, trying to read his reaction.  It was one of compassion, relief, and...love?
     "Cher, will you please tell me why you were crying?  I mean, can you tell me yet?"
     Cher sighed.  She wanted to, didn't she?  "I, um...that is...my latest boyfriend, Ryan, went out to a party at his friend's house, and I heard where he was, so I called him and told him to come home.  I was really selfish and possessive, really immature.  Anyway, he said okay, but I couldn't hear one that I should have - I was so stupid - he was drunk.  Well, he got caught in a storm..."  Cher stopped talking as a new batch of tears came up, and Laran held her close until she couldn't shed another drop.
     "That was three years ago, and I haven't dated since.  Ryan was a good person, and I always regret what I did.  I mean, I killed him; I should have picked him up, or let him stay there, but instead I had to open my mouth..."
     Laran squeezed Cher and interrupted.  "Cher, you couldn't have possibly known that he was drunk, and you were young, you said so yourself.  PLUS," he said loudly, drowning out her protests, "he had plenty of friends there that didn't offer to take him home, so don't feel responsible."
     Cher looked at Laran, then stood abruptly, pulling him up with her.
     "I need to tell you something, and I think we need to go somewhere else."
     Laran looked at her, puzzled, but she smiled reassuringly, and led him to her favorite room, the den.  Now that she had told someone about her boyfriend's death, she wanted to show Laran something very important.  And very special.
     "This," Cherry said, dropping a gold -

(A/N: This is where it ends.  Obviously, I read too many romance novels in middle school.  So cheesy.)

First Journal Entry Ever Recorded - June 18, 2000

     Has anything ever happened to you that makes you feel maddened (A/N: is that even a word?), but you want to laugh, at the same time?  Well, that happened to me today.
     You see, today is the day that my Granny & Grandpa Landers, my dad, and me left at 7:30 am from Winter Haven, Florida, to go to Winston-Salem, North Carolina, IN A CAR TOGETHER!  I knew it would be bad, but not this bad, but Mom said I had to go.  Grrrrr.
     So, I tried to use optimism, but that was soon crushed about 5 minutes after we left.
     Granny had to stop every hour to go to the bathroom, and both of my grandparents kept asking me questions and talking to themselves or to me.  I know dad is trying to put on a good front, but I can tell he's getting impatient.
     Here's how the trip went: air for tires, had to stop 3 minutes after we left; gas, had to stop 2 minutes later; bathroom, had to stop 1 hour later; switch seats; gas 3 hours later (bathroom too).
     11:30 - started looking for a restaurant to eat at.
     12:10 - found KFC.  Before we left, used bathroom.
     1:00 - switched seats, one the road again, finally!
     (sigh)  I haven't gone to the bathroom yet, and I don't have to.  Granny's the one who's making us stop every time.  You see, she has a bladder problem.  I had no idea until today when Cliff told me.  (A/N: apparently I was obsessed with bathroom breaks and also prejudiced against old people.  Real mature, 12-year-old me.)
     Right now it's 1:30, traffic is getting heavy, and we aren't even in Savannah yet.  Arrrgh!  But it's worth it.  I love dad more than ever (A/N: didn't take much back then.), and I'm going to see my family soon.  I'm staying with Paul, Sheila, Uncle David & Aunt Kathryn, and Uncle Robert's family (Jennifer, Elizabeth, Rebecca, Rachel, Aunt Carolyn, Uncle Robert, and Seth!)!
     1:45 - started to rain.  Dad had to go to the bathroom.  I don't! (A/N: seriously, so obsessed.)
     2:45 - lost.  We have to find out what city we're in so we know when to turn off.  Granny keeps talking about Cliff, and not paying any attention; Dad is having to yell at her every few seconds.  Sound familiar?  (A/N: no...should it?  Who was I even talking to?)
     We are caught in a rain storm with thunder and lightning less than 1 mile away!  Ahhhh!  I don't wanna die!  I wanna live.  Please let me live.  (A/N: obviously, I had already developed a healthy response to danger at such a young age...)
     It's now 4:45; we've only stopped once since Dad's stop.  Granny and the driver, Dad, have agreed we will be at Bonnie's in about 2 hours.  The rain is coming down HARD now.  I hope it doesn't rain this hard any of this week.  Oh man!  It's so loud that I can almost imagine they're bullets instead of raindrops.  Pow!  Pow!  Pow!  (A/N: good use of onomatopoeias, 12-year-old me.)
     I bet Mom wants this kind of rain at home.  I'd rather it be there than here.  Well, we made it through the rain, and I'm at Paul and Sheila's house on Monday morning.  What happened after we got out of the rain was we got lost.  Then, dad had to call Uncle Greg for directions.  That night, we spent the night at the Mungers.  Then, the next morning, we went to church.  Then, lunch was served at Paul's, so we all met there.  Everyone there was family, except for two girls: Leanna, Katlynn.  They are here because their mom is in Canada.  Then, we went to the evening service and ate supper.  Goodnight!
     It's Monday morning!  Robert's family is here and we're all eating breakfast.  After breakfast, the teenagers and adults were ready, but the twins weren't.

....(A/N: that's the end of that entry.  I wasn't so good at finishing them, was I? haha)