Letter to God (5.20.2004)

My dearest and most darling love,
I'm feeling somewhat confused right now, and I have a whole hour to tell you about it!  I haven't talked to you in so long and I'm so sorry.  My mission's trip stuff needs to be finished and I still have 15 verses to memorize and pass before I can leave!  Lord, help me to get all these things done, and please do them with me.
Anyway, so about my confusion.  My relationships are all willy-nilly right now.  In first place (guy-wise) is Evan, then Grant, then Peter (and don't forget how I'm disrespecting Will).  My roller coaster of emotions for them is going crazy and I don't know what to do.  Please be with me Lord, and may Your will be done in my life.  I know one day I will be hurt by love, and one day I will be immeasurably blessed by it...please just help me to remember that, and help me to grow more in You and with You until I even attempt to look at a member of the opposite sex...
And that's another thing - the way I look at/view guys.  I'm basically lusting after their flesh and disrespecting them when I flirt with them or try to act in any way that's not a "friend" way to them.  I know I hate it when a guy looks at me that way, so please Lord, just help me to keep my eye on the Creator, not His creations.
"Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee - prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the One I love.  Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."
Amen!
Also Lord, my friendships with Hannah and Tara and Kelly and Carla and Laura and Darcie and Jordan...Lord, so many times I let the world get in the way, but I don't want it to.  I want my friendships to be pure and godly, and one You are a part of.
Lord, I'm crying out!  Give me integrity, Lord.  Help me to do what You want me to do, even when I'm alone, even when my mom's not there to yell at me, even when You're not drawn near.  Don't let me be guided by emotions, but by my love for You and by my passion to see You glorified in all I do!
I love You so much!

So many times, I'm blinded by pain,

Hurt by the thorns of the world; it's insane;

I struggle, I cry, I scream out in agony,

Forgetting that Your arms are stretched out to catch me,

But You're still there,

E'en though I fight,

Though I try and run

From Your beautiful light.

My tears, they fall,

It hurts so bad,

But Your love covers more

Than all this pain that I've had...

From the world.

Days pass me by, I close my ears to You,

Gently and quietly, You speak Your words of truth;

I toss and I turn, refusing to listen,

But you hold me still, love me, and then -

You are here, even though I still fight,

Though I tried to run from Your beautiful light,

Your blood, it falls, blotting out my pain,

Because Your love covers me like a baptising rain.

I love you, Lord.